Forgotten Realms Abridged!

Hail and well met!

In 2019, I will be upping my Patreon output, and I hope to share something every day or two.

For example, recently, I’ve started writing quick pieces called Forgotten Realms Abridged, where I do a very brief humorous summary of a Forgotten Realms novel, partly as a bid to get you to read said novel, and mostly to amuse and delight.

I’ll be posting a few of these publicly, but if you want to see them all, back me on my Patreon, where they’ll be collected for easy and convenient access.

Here’s the first one, about the first Realms novel, Darkwalker on Moonshae!

 

Forgotten Realms Abridged: Episode 1: Darkwalker on Moonshae

(With all love and respect to Douglas Niles–seriously, go read his book.)

***

Setting: Moonshae Isles

Kazgoroth, the Beast: I am in your land, eating your people!

The Earthmother: Oh no! I’ll send my fey-born children to stop you, but they will all fail, one by one. Won’t someone rise up to stop the Beast?

Tristan Kendrick, heir to the kingdom: I like horses!

The Beast and the Earthmother: …… um?

***

Setting: Caer Corwell

The Earthmother, in a dream or something: Robyn, my child, you must go forth and unite the peoples of the Moonshaes to oppose the Northmen, who’ve been suborned by the Beast!

Robyn: But I am a lowly ward to the king. What can I do?

The Earthmother: You have great potential as a druid! You will be my emissary in this matter.

Robyn: Yeah, but, how do I get anyone to listen to me?

Tristan: Hey, I never really thought about how pretty you were, Robyn!

Robyn: …. that works?

Tristan: I’m the prince!

Robyn: …. um…

***

Kazgoroth the Beast: Mwahahaha, I have disguised myself as King Thelgaar Ironhand, ruler of the Northmen! Now they will serve my will!

The Earthmother: Hey, no fair, disguising yourself. The reader will get confused.

Thelgaar/Kazgoroth: Hey, aren’t you Chauntea, goddess of the harvest?

The Earthmother/Chauntea: Hey, aren’t you Bhaal, god of murder?”

Thelgaar/Kazgoroth/Bhaal: Shut up!

***

Robyn, the would-be druid: Ok, we’ve assembled a motley crew from all walks of life to oppose the Beast, which is working to corrupt one of the Moonwells…

Pawldo the halfling: Aye!

Daryth, a very sexy Calishite: Yes.

Canthus the moorhound: Woof!

Tristan, the crown prince: I have a sword!

Robyn: Tristan. Not helping.

Tristan: Seriously, though, it’s a great sword.

Robyn: Could it be anyone else. Anyone?

***

Robyn: Well, we have now vanquished the Beast and saved the Moonshaes.

Tristan: Yes! I’m sure nothing bad will ever happen here ever again.

Robyn: I dunno, evil is rarely ever purged on the first try. We should really stay constantly vigilant…

Tristan: Let’s get married!

Robyn: Wait, what?

***

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