So in the ongoing chronicles of my butt, I hopped on the colonoscopy train yesterday (I’m 37, so it’s a bit early) for diagnostic reasons and we found… nothing obviously causing my issues, no Crohn’s, no obvious pre-cancerous growths, etc. So that’s the good news!

The prep for the colonoscopy wasn’t so bad, btw. The meds they gave me tasted like really flat lemon La Croix, which, while not great, also isn’t too bad. The worst part was getting up at 4am to do my prep (which has to be finished at least two hours in advance), then driving to the hospital for my 8am procedure… only to realize, right then, that my appointment was actually at 12:30. Woo!

The less good news is that my abscess from September has developed into a fistula (we identified that on an MRI a couple weeks ago), so I get to get THAT resolved with another surgery. Yay…

Anyway, I’m optimistic that we’ll get this resolved and I’ll find some relief. I’ve basically been in varying levels of butt pain for the past few months, and it’s down to the 1-3 on a 10-point scale, but it’s still there and I’m hoping resolving the fistula will resolve the pain.

Right now, I can eat again, and I have a bunch of leftover pizza and video games. (It’s the little things.)

Anyway, thanks for listening, thanks to Chadwick Boseman, and here’s to a pain-free 2021!

Y’all know me. I’m a lifelong Final Fantasy fan.

But FFXVI?

From the reveal trailer, I’m not convinced, and I’ll tell you why.

Once upon a time, FF produced games of rich stories, genuine emotion, and—importantly—significant female characters.

Heroines you could play, who had a significant impact on the plot, and either WERE the main character or at least matched and even exceeded them at times. FF games were not just sausage-fest “boys’ adventure” games.

We can debate the quality of those characters, Whether they’re actually feminist, empowered, etc. Obviouslt, FF has had issues with specializing female characters in crass and/or ridiculous ways, but we can say this for sure: women existed in the games, women were important in the games, and women MATTERED in the games.

Can the same be said about FFXV, for instance?

Basically, it was an absent princess who gets fridged eventually and a cowgirl gas station attendant who hasn’t bought clothes since middle school and has grown mostly out of them.

Maybe “boys road trip” was great, maybe the lads had cool personalities (and I’m always down for good male relationships in media), and maybe that was what you wanted. And that’s fine. But it’s just not for me, nor does it honor the legacy of the series. And that game has given me series reservations about the future direction of the series.

It doesn’t look like FFXVI is honoring that legacy either.

In this sense, FFVII Remake is the most final fantasy thing Square Enix has made in years, and that’s mostly because it’s based heavily on a pre-existing, much beloved game. They had no choice, really, but to include these awesome female characters, and to their credit, they amped UP their internal lives and personalities. Which was great.

So we know they CAN write female heroes… the question now is WILL they?

I dunno, maybe I’m reading too much into it. But that trailer is NOT promising. I’m very wary.

So, I had emergency surgery this last weekend, and I’ve come away from it with a very important insight I wanted to share with everyone.

Based on my current experience, I’m gonna be really honest and tell you something that possibly no one told you, which you should apply to your own life and also teach your kids:

Don’t be ashamed of pooping.

Honestly. We all do it, it’s just waste product, maybe a little smelly. But it’s nothing to be ashamed of.

I think a lot of us are in danger of developing shitty habits (pun intended) and they can cause us problems later in life, because there’s this overrriding cloud of shame and “ew, don’t talk about THAT” about pooping.

Heck, stereotypically, a lot of us dudes have terrible cleanliness habits because, well, it’s awkward to talk about so they never really learned any better. We’re just expected to figure it out ourselves.

And, of course, the media is all over us with jokes and routines and BS about how it’s funny and embarrassing and gross and all that has a silencing effect.

So here’s some guidance, based on my own experience:

Whenever possible, defecate naturally. Don’t strain.

Don’t hold it for ridiculously long periods. When you need to go, find an opportunity and go.

DON’T strain.

Don’t be a dick about other people’s butts either. We all fart and we all poop. Don’t shame anyone (including yourself) for being human.

AND DON’T STRAIN.

Straining, for point of reference, is how you develop hemorrhoids that complicate into perirectal abscesses, which is why I’m recovering after a stay in the goddamn hospital with a gauze-stuffed hole in my butt. (Go read about it if you want. It’s WILD.)

Yeah I’ll be fine, but it was a LOT of pain and discomfort that led me here. Oh, and during recovery we have to change my gauze plug periodically, and that is HORRIFIC. So.

TAKE THE BENEFIT OF MY EXPERIENCE.

As a kid, I was an anxious eliminator—a shy passer of the log, if you will.

I didn’t want to do it in public restrooms—I would only go in my home toilet, no matter how long I had to hold it or how hard I had to strain to get it out. I never talked about it with anyone because, well, movies told me it was gross and shameful, and I was embarrassed.

Over the years, I developed intestinal problems, irritable bowel syndrome, a requirement to read and eventually watch Youtube videos while on the John in order to actually go, and going number 2 became even more fraught until, well, I strained myself into the hospital.

Right now, I’d rather I was a little embarrassed than having to fix it with surgery.

(You wanna talk about embarrassing? Try learning to poop correctly after 37 years of developing bad habits. Oh, and having other people stick gauze up the extra hole in your butt. Which, did I mention, is also VERY painful.)

Don’t be a grumpy, gurgling doofus like me. Relax. Take it easy.

It’s ok to poop, and it’s best to poop naturally and without effort.

Other tips:

1. Eat lots of fiber: the primary tool to fix your stool, including vegetables, oatmeal, etc.
2. Hydrate: good for your health and good for your cycle of waste management.
3. Talk with your family and doctor: don’t let this fester. Have an open, honest, awkward conversation now, and it’ll lead to much less suffering over the long term.

Good luck, and remember: Eliminate excellently, my friends.

In the wake of Chadwick Boseman’s passing, I just want to share a personal story about it. I don’t want to center myself—if anything, this is to THANK Boseman for one last indirect act of heroism.

You see, Friday night when I saw the announcement, I had been in significant anal/rectal pain for around a month and a half. At first, back in July, my GI diagnosed an internal hemorrhoid, which I thought was fair enough. I’ve had a fraught relationship with my intestines for most of my life, and it’s only got tougher over the last decade.

I was diagnosed finally with IBS, I aim for a low FODMAP intake, and recently I’ve been having a good deal of trouble avoiding straining to eliminate. So hemorrhoids seemed like an embarrassing, self-inflicted condition that “might as well happen.” Even though I’m not yet 40, let along 50, we also scheduled a colonoscopy for September 10, just to see if there’s some underlying issue and to get to the bottom of my IBS stuff, see if I have Crohn’s, etc. Why the delay? Well, I’m doing some traveling to accommodate a bathroom reconstruction, and having a working toilet seems like a good thing for all this.

The thing is, even after the course of treatment, even after I drove the 12.5 hours down to California, they didn’t go away. Or, more accurately, the PAIN didn’t go away, and I (foolishly) thought “hey, it’s probably just the hemorrhoids—I can make it to my colonoscopy on September 10.”

Wow, was I wrong.

But hey, I was tough. Resilient. Stoic. I’m a guy, I can deal with my shit (no pun intended, but welcome). I try not to be toxic in my masculinity, but every guy out there will be able to relate: you want to maintain some control over your own body and your own choices. And I figured, “I got this.”

The pain, however, had other plans. It just got worse and worse, especially this last week. On Friday, I was in really bad shape, and that’s when I saw the news about Chadwick Boseman.

Our King had been fighting an all but hopeless battle against Stage IV colon cancer for four agonizing years. And during that time, he produced such art of such beauty and power as to place him among the rising, shining stars of our era. He wasn’t that much older than me, and I was proud to have a role model like him. And colon cancer ultimately claimed him, long before his time. He should have had so many more years to develop his talent and climb to new heights. He has left a bright mark on history even as it is—imagine what might have been without that dragon, cancer.

Chadwick Boseman, role model of non-toxic masculinity. Absolute legend.

Anyway, the announcement did something particular to me. Made me sad and angry, yes, but it also reminded me of something. Something I had realized twenty years ago, but had apparently forgotten: sometimes, there are challenges in life we simply cannot defeat, and if we can defeat them, sometimes we can’t do it alone, no matter how tough or willful we think we are. We need to be able to ask for help.

And so on Saturday, when I woke up in more pain than ever, when I could barely stand or walk or sit, when I had to lean on things and my legs shook and I soaked in sweat from the pain, I did it. I asked for help. I asked my parents to take me to the hospital.

Where they discovered, though digital assessment and a cat scan, both good news and bad news: my hemorrhoids (assuming they were ever really there) had gone away, but I also had a perirectal abscess that would need surgery to resolve. No amount of warm baths and willpower would have fixed that. Also, if I’d waited just another day or two, that abscess could have burst—it was apparently already starting to open up when they got me in the stirrups at the surgery yesterday (Sunday).

(Hey, uh, maybe this is obvious, but don’t try to tough things out. Get checked and sorted early. It’s always the better call.)

Anyway, I’m on the mend. I have a new hole in my butt—well, a temporary one—stuffed with gauze that needs to be changed every day, and it’s gonna be painful and embarrassing to deal with. But I am alive, I am healing, and I can finally let go of all that pain.

So thank you, Chadwick Boseman. Thank you for your art, that inspired me and so many others. Thank you for your strength, to do what you loved despite impending doom. Thank you for being a light for so many in a world that seems to get darker by the day.

And thank you for saving my ass.

You’ll always be a hero to me.

This woman is PISSED, for reasons both righteous and wrong, but always relatable

A couple specific things:

1) About Ellie, whose arc in the first game was already great, and this just expands on it in a fantastic way. She is becoming Joel, and sometimes in the game that is VERY clear. It is also remarkable to see a woman who unabashedly loves women, and that being a source of strength for her, not weakness. I am not a woman, let alone a lesbian, but I suspect if I were, Ellie would give me hope.

Also her relationship with Dina is fantastic and core to the story, just as was the he relationship between Joel and Ellie in the first game. Only now, they’re more equal—they’re friends, rather than parent and adopted child. And that changes how it develops and how it ends.

2) About Abby, it is distracting how meaty she is—not because that’s bad (quite the opposite), but because it’s so unusual in a video game. We just don’t see female figures with believable functional strength like hers. Abby looks like a goddamn powerlifter, not a body builder or a gymnast, and she loses not a single bit of her female identity in the process. She’s so much like Ellie (above), and yet so different at the same time. She’s a pretty great character, even more so BECAUSE you hate her so much at the beginning. By the time the stories smash into each other again, you might still be hating her, but you probably can’t honesty tell me you don’t sympathize even a little with her.

3) Lev and Yara: I said earlier that I was reserving judgment on the trans stuff in the game until I saw it myself, and now that I have… mixed feelings. Which I gather is how the trans community views it as well.

Curio’s analysis of the game and the discourse: https://youtu.be/v7wcvMIrK2w

And I’m not just saying that because it’s been out for over two weeks, but because Netflix has reported that streams of the Witcher were some of its highest of the year in 2019. (According to this article, it’s surpassed the Mandalorian and second only to Stranger Things in 2019, which seems unlikely to me but, if true, marks a huge accomplishment.)

https://www.businessinsider.com/witcher-passed-mandalorian-as-biggest-tv-show-in-the-world-2019-12

Anyway, for those of you who haven’t seen it, or even if you have, I’m still gonna talk about the last two episodes of The Witcher (2019), because I really enjoyed it and, well, it’s my blog. So here we go.

Yennefer of Vengerberg, Extra AF

And I don’t just mean wearing a rope dress into a battle.

Though there is that, obviously…..

The show overall has shifted dramatically among its three characters and their multiple timelines. (Well, Ciri wandering around the forest learning that life is hard for two weeks has been very consistent.) But these last two episodes, they are YENNEFER’s episodes. She gets the most character development, makes the hardest choices, participates in the most action, and is basically the star of the show. And this is simultaneously the least Witcher-like of the episodes and the most, because it is such a great encapsulation of the world and its feel.

Just like with her origin story, a *lot* of this Yennefer stuff is entirely extrapolated from the book material, not actually shown on the page. We don’t see her adventures in creepy Hogwarts in the books, nor do we see her return to Aratuza and the emotions therein contained, nor the battle of Sodden. (Though that DOES happen and it’s a big deal–Geralt *does* go to Sodden, in the wake of the battle, in desperate hope of not finding evidence that Yennefer has died in the battle. No chance she’s dead.)

you messed with the wrong sorceress

We get to see all of Yennefer’s plot-arcs get resolved, with all of her early relationships reflected in subsequent events. We watch her play off all sorts of people she knew before, and how her relationship to those people has changed, sometimes dramatically. And though that actress is quite young, we get a real sense of how old Yennefer is, how much she’s seen, and the keen sense of disillusionment that has shadowed her present life. The scene with her boytoy from early on (I don’t remember his name, and I’m not sure he’s worth looking up) is her full circle moment: she refused the concept of a mediocre life with a fairly handsome but weak-willed guy when he betrayed and disappointed her, and now that she’s had her life full of magical power and influence, and she’s got to see how shitty it has been, she wants to recapture some of that early promise. But it’s no good, and we know it’s no good even as she heads into it. Too much time has passed, too many shitty things were said, and she realizes that only shortly after we do. It’s disappointing for her, and into that disappointment comes Vilgefortz: a moderately handsome, fast-talking, over-confident mage who you just KNOW is going to make life difficult for Yennefer and everyone else.

Now. For those who haven’t read the books, Vilgefortz is a pretty major character in the books, and he becomes essentially an antagonist. It’s a little complicated, but basically he wants what everyone in the books seems to want, which is Ciri. He wants to harvest her vast, ancient power, and when I say “harvest,” I mean that probably in exactly the painful, unpleasant way you’re imagining right now. In the books, he combines magic and science–sort of a mad scientist wizard–and does the “evil experiments on people” thing, which will come up several times in the books. (Also, he fights Geralt hand-to-hand in a pretty memorable scene with major consequences in the books, so look forward to that when it comes up.)

Vilgefortz, stop making all these charisma checks!

Vilgefortz here–well, he seems like kind of a smarmy, optimistic, overconfident asshole, but not a *villain*, exactly. By the end of episode 8, however, we’re going to see him injured and traumatized by the events of the battle, and one can draw a clear line from “OMG, I really fucked up there” to “I need more power, at any cost.” So really this humanizes him in a way I never expected from the show, and that was cool.

It also makes Frangilla look *really* evil, and that was an interesting viewing experience. Obviously, Nilfgaard are the bad guys (in the show, the books, the games, etc), but Fringilla never seemed quite that evil before the show. (The way she just orders the wizard to create a fireball to catapult? Oh man. And the revelation about the storm? That is Fringilla being a Lawful Evil cold-hearted witch-queen all day and I am here for it.) I like it, and I think the actress did a great job.

We stan a witch queen

Earlier I praised the show for presenting us with ethnically diverse characters–you know, the sort of people that the games and right-wingers in Poland pretend don’t exist or actively want to remove, respectively–and Frangilla is, well, black. This isn’t ideal: fantasy (and a lot of fiction in general) often has a problem with presenting black people as the villains, suggesting by association that black people are evil or untrustworthy, etc, while our heroes are lily-skinned and bright-eyed, which supports a subtle, pernicious white supremacist narrative. It’s one of the ways the white hegemony reinforces itself through our stories without hitting you over the head screaming “whites are the superior race!” (Subtlety is often more powerful than direct propaganda.) And in this case, well, it’s still not ideal to make the evil wizard the darkest skinned wizard on the show, but it’s tempered somewhat by several factors: 1) she plays opposite Cahir, who is also evil and basically the whitest guy on the show, and that’s including Geralt’s white hair, 2) she’s a foreign transplant to the nation of Nilfgaard, which is not coded as some kind of middle eastern “savage” race of people (thanks, Tolkien! And Howard! And Abercrombie! And– [1]) but is instead about as white as it gets, including at least one other wizardly type who is briefly there in episode 8 (before THING happens to her), and 3) there are a bunch of other non-white people in this show, so it’s not on Fringilla to represent *all people of color* or anything–she isn’t the token black woman, she’s just *a* black woman.

Anyway, she’s tough and cruel and fanatical and such a great villain.

the look of a woman who’s gonna burn your castle down

[1] The construction of race is more complicated in Lord of the Rings, Conan, and The First Law series, amongst others, so I hope you don’t take this as me off-handedly saying these series are horrible and/or racist. (I mean, sometimes they are, but that’s not my point.) What I’m saying is that fantasy AS A GENRE has a serious issue with race that a lot of its readers and many of its writers (especially such right-wing and/or neo-nazi organizations like the Angry/Sad Puppies–f*** those guys) miss and/or argue very vehemently against, I really do like and admire Joe Abercrombie and his work, and I think he presents a grimdark fantasy world full of racism *purposefully* in order to comment on that racism, not because he himself is racist. But that’s a subject for a whole other blog post or series that maybe I’ll write someday. Joe, if you’re reading this (or, more likely, your fans are) I think your work is great, keep writing it, no aspersions from me. 🙂

Anyway, back to #TeamYen

We get huge emotional payoffs in how she interacts with the new students at Aretuza, her evolving relationship with Tissaia (from cautious awe to outright loathing to fiery banter to a kind of daughter-mother respect by the end of episode 8. And in episode 8, she’s forced to work with all these other mages who she has various reasons to dislike or has offended often in the past. Only Triss, does Yennefer like, and I’m glad we’re getting to see them be good friends in this show. (That will eventually be more complicated, to offer the understatement of the decade.)

Like when we saw Yennefer get emotional over the baby she couldn’t save, seeing her supervising the mages at Sodden and then getting emotionally invested in their pain and suffering is wrenching. Yennefer is a woman who feels things deeply and is always trying to hide that fact–most of the time she’s successful, but if you know what to look for, it’s all right there. (She’s like Geralt in that way, actually–see below.)

And when she stops reserving her chaos? (You know the scene.) That is both amazing and horrifying.

All y’all made a bad choice this morning

You get a real sense for how vicious and horrific magic is in this world, and how much it can pain the mages who use it to kill people. Triss looks like she’s in real pain when she summons poison magic to take out marching soldiers, both physical and emotional. She does what needs doing, but she doesn’t relish it–not by a long shot. I’m obviously #TeamYen here, but let’s just say, I can see the argument.

Also, the show is baiting us with the cliffhanger disappearance, but don’t worry, Yen will obviously be back. #spoiler #butnotreally

Toss a Coin to Your Witcher… or Maybe Just Put Him in Your Cart

Geralt takes kind of a backseat in these episodes. His main contribution is to re-contextualize the fall of Cintra: we realize he was in the city, looking to protect Ciri, but that Calanthe did everything she could to make that not work out. Her hubris ended in tragedy, not that she necessarily could have avoided any of this anyway. Destiny, right? And aside from being an absolute unit with that sword, Geralt doesn’t actually do anything significant in these episodes other than get bit by ghouls and end up in a semi-dying trance for a while.

I hope you enjoyed this scene, because, well, the books have a lot of that

It’s almost like Sapkowski decided sometime during Blood of Elves or possibly the Time of Contempt that Ciri was his favorite character, and he wanted to write mostly about her. Unfortunately, he had this white-haired superhero to deal with, and he needed to do something with him. So… well, yeah.

Healing in this world isn’t like healing in your standard fantasy world. Characters don’t brush themselves off after a battle and they’re fine. Generally, healing magic doesn’t exist, or if it does, it doesn’t function the way it does in, say, D&D or Pathfinder or something like that. The most efficient vehicle of healing is the human body, and the best most people can do is speed its efforts along. Or just let some muscle-bound witcher heal in his own time. And boy, does it take a while.

Anyway, it’s fine. I’m sure it’ll be fine.

See? He’s fine–one magic potion, and he’s fine

The whole scene wherein Geralt is healed of his wound (or at least the infection gets treated, maybe metaphysically, it’s a whole fantasy thing) is highly reminiscent of the framing device from The Last Wish, albeit with less random hooking up with hot young priestesses who can’t talk, and even in the books there’s some implication that his long-lost mother may be involved in some way. It’s complicated and a little hard to follow, much like this scene. For me, what’s most effective here is seeing Geralt get highly emotional about his memories, his abandonment trauma, and his bittersweet loathing of the mother who left him. We get to see him be vulnerable, which is a rare thing, especially considering how strong Cavill’s Geralt is in so many ways.

And I really like how Renfri keeps showing up throughout the show, tying it all together. The way it’s plotted, the implication is that Renfri was a kind of breaking point for Geralt–she poked a hole in his defensive stoicism, and his emotions have been leaking out ever since. It isn’t that way in the books–she’s just a minor character who shows up in one story, and it’s not even the first story, in The Last Wish–but she was such a great character in the first episode of the show, and her influence on Geralt gives the show an extra level of cohesion it would otherwise be missing.

The Child of Destiny

Ciri… well, we see her magic in its most dramatic, murderous form, and she goes all Galadriel Dark Queen to shout the prophecy, including her foretelling of the Time of Contempt (crikey–sounds like a great name for a novel).

It’s like that

Otherwise, there’s not a lot to say about Cirilla. She’s important, but she doesn’t really do a lot in the show. Generally speaking, she’s a very passive character, in that things happen *to her* and she lacks the agency to do much to influence events. The show makes good use of her in certain world-building efforts, such as the forest of Brokilon and way back in episode 2 when she bore witness to the exiled noblewoman mistreating her halfling slave in a *very* Jim Crow white supremacist sort of way, and soon after getting stabbed by that very same halfling (who probably would have stabbed Ciri too, had he got the chance). It’s very much a “princess who thought she was street-smart learns life is harder than she thought and adapts”–the sort of story we’ve got in basically every fairy tale including a princess ever, particularly the ones put out by Disney. It’s neat to see that same resonance in a much darker world.

I also really liked the consistency of her blue cloak–the color marking was a big deal–and how it got dirty and scuffed over time.

spoiler: bloodstains never really wash out

There’s one thing in episode 7 that seemed to me like a contradiction on first watch. Here, we see that Queen Calanthe’s fake Ciri is indeed fake, and how do we know that? We the audience can tell immediately (because it’s just a different actress), and Geralt is immediately suspicious (because he’s Geralt), and confirms his suspicions when he witnesses the fake Ciri going up to the real Ciri playing knucklebones with a bunch of commoner kids, gives her a little bow, and addresses her as “Your Highness.” That’s not the contradiction I mean, though–that’s just a convenient plot contrivance.

The seeming contradiction was that this group includes a boy named “Anton” who shows up toward the end of episode 7 in a group of Cintrans approaching Ciri in the tall grass as she’s escaping. He says “I told you it was her in the marketplace.” When I initially watched this scene, I took to mean that he’s going “I had this theory and it seems I was right.” Which of course would be silly, since the fake Ciri called her “Highness” right in front of him (the episode makes it seem like it was just a few hours, but these timelines aren’t the same, since this is actually the end of her wanderings).

But on second watch, I realized that he’s talking to the other dudes in his entourage, who weren’t involved in the knucklebones games, and have no immediate experience of Ciri. When he told them about her, they probably laughed him off, and now he’s doing an “I told you so moment.” So it *does* make sense ultimately, but it’s a subtle thing I missed on first viewing. I really like things you can and should watch multiple times to pick up more.

also the brightest, most bucolic moment of this show

I’m glad Ciri and Geralt FINALLY found each other, in a way that is reminiscent of the book and games. It represents a sort of respite for them–this tranquil, bucolic forest glade where they meet–and a respite for us after the relentless darkness of the show. It is seriously the most fairy tale thing that happens in this show which can be described as “grimdark fairy tales,” and it was one of my favorite parts of the show. I guess we’ll see where it goes in season 2, which is obviously in production now.

Other Things about the Show

A fun detail about Episode 8 is the intro sequence, where all the various images we’ve seen in the previous 7 episodes come together to become the Witcher symbol. This is showing us that everything is going to come together in this episode, and sure enough, it does.

Check the video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3U_LIMpzlMY

I really enjoyed seeing the explosives. Bombs are a big part of the Witcher games, particularly the Witcher 3, and seeing them presented in a logical visual format really made the whole concept for me. Maybe I’ll do more with bombs if I ever get around to finishing Blood and Wine.

Also….. MARK HAMILL FOR VESEMIR! C’mon, Netflix! Make it happen!

It’s time… for the Witchers… to end…

I had originally planned to write a single review post for each episode of the Witcher TV show, but two things happened:

1) A lot of these episodes spark the same sort of reaction (i.e. more of the “who is the monster, who the human?” theme.

2) I really enjoyed it, so I just watched it.

So I’m going to write a post about episodes 4-6, and then I’ll follow it up with a post next week about episodes 7-8.

Also, since chronologically this show is so wonky, here’s a link that might help clarify: https://www.vulture.com/2019/12/the-witcher-timeline-in-order-chronology-explained.html

Life is hard when you’re in a grimdark fantasy world.

Toss a Coin to Your Witcher

Much like the anthologies upon which the first season of the show is based, Sword of Destiny and The Last Wish, the show’s plot is a timeline-agnostic look at Geralt’s life. Some of this is intentional, as Geralt is such a long-lived individual (though Yen is older), and the older you get, the more time flows together. What we’re seeing are the highlights of his “glamorous” monster-hunting career, though they are, indeed some highlights.

Dragons? Check.

Djinn? Check.

Hot, dangerous sorceress to whom he’s bound by destiny? Check, check, check.

Doppler? Che–wait, that was Ciri, never mind.

Seriously, I did not expect to get this much world building in terms of the monsters and political figures and such. I imagine it’s a bit hard to follow for folks unfamiliar with the books and games, and I’m sorry for that. The books and games are *also* complex–they’re more like an invitation to learn about the world of the Witcher than a guide to that world, and honestly, you might want to read the Wikipedia about it to get some more context. The show, as a lot of fantasy/scifi shows are, is mostly intended as a way to get you emotionally invested–to go “wow, this is cool!’–and thus engage with it as much as you want to. It’s not going to give you an instruction course in the world, just a glimpse of that world, which you can explore as you choose.

Was this the best approach? Should they have attempted a more comprehensive exploration/guide? Maybe, but I suspect that would have bogged it down in a lot of exposition that wasted a LOT of time. It’s all about balance, and I think this series is a little closer to the “figure it out” end of the scale than the “welcome to the wonderful world of XX” end. Did it throw you enough bones to hook you? I suspect everyone will have a different answer.

I don’t always hunt monsters, but when I do, it’s clothing-optional.

Steel for Men, Silver for Monsters

As I said in the first review I did about this series, one of the major themes of the Witcher is whether the “monsters” he encounters are any more monstrous than the humans he encounters, and vice versa. The world Geralt occupies is populated with fairy tale creatures and magic, and fairy tales are frequently seen as black and white morality plays with clearly defined “people” and “monsters.” Not so the Witcher, where not only does our main character live in both worlds (human and monster) but so do his supporting characters (except for Dandelion/Jaskier, who is the most human character in this story). It is a world of greys and moral ambiguity, where the “monsters” are often the most moral and relatable characters, and the humans seem like the monsters.

The story of the knight and the hirikka (a creature from the books, albeit a bit different on the page) is a minor but direct nod to this theme, where “noble” Sir Eyck of Denesle (bit of a prick, honestly) “nobly” kills this starving “monster” that they could have just fed and it would have gone away, and the most we get out of him is a rehearsed “for glory!” line. Yeah, who’s the monster here, you big doofus? (Also, he passes up a chance to canoodle with Yennefer? Clearly there’s something wrong with him.[1])

And of course, the reveal in episode 6 is DIRECTLY ON THE NOSE of this theme. This was one of my favorite stories in the anthologies, both because of what happens and because it’s about Geralt and Yennefer, and I’m pleased with how it manifests in the show.

[1] Yes, yes, I know, it’s a toxic expectation of men to be always DTF–my joke here is not intended to be taken seriously. Eyck is a weirdo for a lot of reasons. The thing about refusing Yennefer’s advances (in a very condescending, patronizing way, btw) is explicitly showing how bound up in toxic masculine attitudes Eyck is. I’m just pointing out he’s a toxic dick.

Yen: You came on this job just to spend time with me, didn’t you? Geralt: …… fuck

The Last Wish

(Caveat: The relationship between Geralt and Yennefer is one of my favorite aspects of the overall Witcher story–I am here for the rancor–so please forgive me for dwelling on this a bit.)

The destiny binding Geralt did with regard to Yennefer deserves some discussion here, as is their volatile relationship. When I initially read that story in the books, I thought it was generally “ok, I guess this is a thing that happened,” but it wasn’t until I saw Yennefer react to it in the show that I came around to her perspective on it. He basically forced himself on her against her will–his presence, that is–and that has some troubling implications as regards consent and the establishment of a relationship between them. Particularly with Yennefer’s emphasis on self-actualization through freedom of choice.

(The way she fights to save that baby in episode 4, then the emotional outpouring–the hate and bitterness and sadness–wow. Ok. If she wasn’t already best girl, she definitely is now.)

Now, let’s be clear: Geralt did not wish for Yennefer to *love* him. He didn’t enchant her or compromise her choice in that regard. His wish is never *exactly* spelled out, but the best summary we get comes from Borch (what a badass, honestly): that he wished for their destinies to be tied together. It’s a bit unclear why that “saved her life” and such, but I speculate that the Djinn couldn’t just kill Geralt, so it couldn’t kill Yennefer either, so it left. Was it the best solution? Nah, definitely not, but Geralt was in a situation where he had to think quickly and under duress, so he went with his heart, as damaged as it is by his mutations. And I choose to believe that he sincerely had deep feelings for Yennefer, which is saying something, considering his low emotional affect.

And so begins one of the strangest, most fraught, and volatile relationships in fantasy fiction: Geralt and Yennefer essentially get married blind in their first encounter, and they only afterward build affection, trust, and romance. And like you’d expect of an essentially forced marriage, it’s difficult and awkward, prone to fits and starts and messy break-ups. Geralt and Yennefer dump each other many times over the course of their lives, as well they should, but they always seem to find their way back to each other, the way they do in episode 6, for example.

Are they good for each other? Yes. Are they bad for each other? Also yes. Do they change each other? Absolutely.

And I’m not saying it’s good or bad. I’m just assessing it as a major plot element, one that introduces a huge amount of narrative tension in the story. (Personally, I feel binding someone to you without so much as consulting them, and indirectly against their wishes, is a profoundly immoral thing to do. It was a bad choice Geralt made, but I think ultimately a lot of useful, intriguing story came out of it. You are, of course, free to make your own judgments or not.)

Whether the bond between them is real or not is a major theme of the books and the games, and is explored in some depth. Toward the end of the Witcher 3, there’s even a side quest where Geralt directly confronts this question: he and Yen catch up with the same Djinn (or possibly a different Djinn, I could be misremembering) and wish to break the bond of destiny between them, thereafter to see if the bond between them was “real” or was just inspired by magic.

And what’s the verdict? Well, it depends–the games give the player agency in this regard, and whether Geralt and Yennefer stay together depends on your actions regarding her throughout the game and what Geralt says to her at this point, essentially whether he loves her or not. It feels sort of organic, where her feelings aren’t strictly based on button prompts but more your actions, which you don’t always know are relevant, but still basically you the player decide whether they really do love each other or it was all just magic. (And I know a lot of you sneaky dastardly broke Yen’s heart and went with that red-headed home wrecker, Triss, don’t even play. #teamYen)

For me, I went into the Witcher 3 fully intending to go with Yennefer, and every encounter I had with her just reinforced that perspective (like I said, I have a type). But I never felt like it was really *right* until I helped her break the Djinn’s magic, finally freeing both Yennefer and Geralt from their bound destiny. Only then, when she was free to choose, could they truly be together or part, and they *chose* to be together. And that made their relationship deeper and more real.

(For specific values of “real” and “choice” as regards characters in a book and a video game, of course, but YMMV.)

If the show will ever do something like this, well, I guess we’ll see, but in the books, Geralt and Yennefer remain bound together by destiny up until the end, so we never really find out.

Don’t mind me, I’m just wandering through the woods, like I have basically this whole time.

What about the Child of Destiny?

Ciri is getting some short-shrift in this show, but that’s fairly true to the books, too. She’s barely in the anthologies–she only really shows up at the very end of The Last Wish, which I suspect will happen at the end of season 1. But then she’s a BIG DEAL in the actual novels, where she plays double-duty as the overall McGuffin (seriously, everyone is trying to find Ciri basically the entire time) and the main character/narrator. Yes, these books are called “The Witcher”, but it’s like Sapkowski got to this point and decided Ciri was his favorite character, a bit like Martin deciding Tyrion and Dany were his favorite characters.

Amusingly enough, the anthologies are where you get the most Witcher action. It seems like the rest of the books are a LOT of sorceresses plotting things, Ciri doing stuff and/or suffering, and Geralt either injured or traveling overland and being worried about running into a company of soldiers.

(She literally narrates most of one of the books to some old guy in a swamp. No lie.)

Also? Ciri is a badass. At some point in the books proper, she has a degree of Witcher and magical training, though her magic basically progresses as the speed of plot–it does what it has to do when Sapkowski needs it to do something. The show has basically followed suit. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, necessarily–this is a fantasy story–you should just be aware.

Geralt: ………………….. FUCK

The Verdict?

Strap in, episodes 7 & 8 are the Battle of Sodden, and it’s gonna be a doozy.

I held off on the next review until I had watched what I expected would be the fulfillment of Yennefer’s backstory, both episodes 2 & 3. And I was basically right, though she still has some development to do–getting her “sexy” body isn’t going to be the end of her journey, not by a long shot.

Or at least it shouldn’t be, let’s see where the show goes.

And that’s what I want to talk about this time–the main character of these episodes, Yennefer of Vengerberg.

Yes, that’s… that’s what I said.

The Witch in the Last Story in The Last Wish

I don’t have a copy of The Last Wish on me (I’ve given most of the books to my equal-intensity fantasy fan of a father, who I credit with turning me into the geek I am today), but as I recall, we see NONE of Yennefer’s backstory.

Indeed we aren’t introduced to her with all that much dignity or sexy mystery, as Geralt comes upon her when she’s sick and/or drunk abed, hoping to get her help for dealing with a Djinn (and not Robin Williams or even Will Smith). Of course it’s more complicated, because Yennefer wants to bind the Djinn for herself, but she can’t take control of it because Geralt is technically its master, and he has one wish left and, well, I’m not going to spoil it further. This might come up in the show. I hope it does.

The only real hint we get about it is Geralt’s observation that most spellcasters have dramatically changed their appearance upon acquiring their power, and he wonders what she used to look like. It’s something about her eyes, I think–he sees this cruelty and self-loathing spawned of decades of abuse–and he makes the connection that she was a hunchback (I guess they have very specific eyes?). That’s it. We don’t see her as a hunchback, she doesn’t much talk about her past, and she’s all volatile-and-somewhat-wicked sorceress all the time.

I love her. Team Yen all the way.)

(Again with me gravitating toward the complicated bad girls. I must have a complex.)

The Piglet Worth 4 Marks

In the Witcher TV show, however, we see Yennefer from an early age, before she knew anything of magic, let alone had her transformation into the long legged temptress who has a thing about unicorns. We see her here as a beleaguered peasant girl with a twisted spine–clumsy, little loved, and constantly abused. Not something we saw in the books or the games, but rather than simply be told about this, we see it.

I’m not going to weigh in on how they treated her prosthetics and appearance, or on the ethics of portraying such a disabled character on screen (that’s a whole other topic), but I will say this gives us the viewer a rare insight into Yennefer’s character. We get to see her being, well, human, and not just in the context of occasional displays of warmth toward Geralt or later Ciri. The long drawn-out backstory invites us to inhabit her perspective and see exactly how much she’s struggled with, even if it’s only two episodes wherein we see her, mostly at weird/kinky Polish Hogwarts.

And I suspect we’re meant to see her conversion into the symmetrical beauty we get at the end of episode 3 as triumphant–she does suffer and sacrifice and cheat and deceive to get that reward–but the show did a pretty good job making her sympathetic as her normal self that when we finally get to the finish project she seems oddly diminished. She has lost something–some measure of fundamental humanity that we saw her fight to assert in the previous episodes. This is a new person, one who is turning her back on what she managed to pull together for herself: even as she thinks she’s got what she always wanted, she’s lost just as much.

Which is, of course, thematically right on the nose, because…

The Worst Monsters are the Pretty Ones

I don’t think it’s a coincidence Geralt faces Foltest’s Striga in the same episode that Yennefer undergoes her transformation. Remember, this show is about the line between human and monster, and that question infuses both the story of the Striga and Yennefer’s ascendance.

(Oh, and Geralt does a thing with a Sylvan and some elves and a bard who for some reason they don’t call Dandelion near a city that looks like something out of a video game. It’s not a big deal, other than it being thematically on the nose and an interesting discussion of imperialism, colonization, and racial oppression. But I digress.)

Oh and Triss is there too. More on her in a subsequent entry.

The Striga is about a monster who thinks she’s a monster (and she is), for whom Geralt fights really hard to break the curse and turn her into a human. And it works, though, I mean, she still bites, so watch out.

Yennefer’s story is about a human who thinks she’s a monster (which she isn’t–yet) and so she does increasingly cruel and inhuman things to become the human she always wanted to be, but once she gets there, is she really a human at all?

But of course Yennefer has AGENCY in her own evolution, whereas the Striga is just following her own instincts and actively tries to AVOID having Geralt forcibly change her. And making one’s own choices and fighting for what one wants is a distinctly human trait…

Anyway. This is a fascinating dynamic, and I look forward to seeing where it goes.

What am I missing…

Oh yeah, Ciri’s in this show, too.

The Lion Cub of Cintra

Though Ciri is mostly running through the woods, lost and confused, the way a princess who’s only a *little bit* prepared for the world would be, there’s still plenty of room for her to advance the “monsters vs humans” narrative, too.

She’s befriended by an elf boy, who is literally the only other decent person in her whole story arc at this point. We shortly thereafter see her enter the camp of some humans, who seem nice but very quickly are shown to 1) kill elves and wear their ears on a necklace–yikes, and 2) bully the shit out of a halfling servant (slave), who gives up his shoes so Ciri can have new shoes. This is presented as a kindness on the part of his human masters, who reassure her, “don’t worry, he’s one of the clean ones.”

(Don’t worry, halfling slave bud stabs the hell out of his owner eventually, and there’s a bit of catharsis there.)

So… this show is dealing with race in a pretty big and specific way, which is to use the fantasy peoples (elves, dwarves, halflings, etc) as stand-ins for human ethnic groups. (Which is, of course, a big part of the books and the games.) There’s nothing surprising or even uncommon about this, as fantasy has been doing that since Tolkien’s day. (And Tolkien wasn’t the best about it, see greedy dwarves that are Jewish caricatures, “the dark men from the east,” etc.) But Sapkowski, from the beginning, went quite far into the racial metaphor, and it’s good to see this show honoring that.

They’re not necessarily doing it very WELL (that’s a whole other topic), but they’re going with Sapkowski’s original vision, and it’s definitely relevant to the grimdark world on the screen. We’ll see how it unfolds going forward.

The other thing I want to say about race in the Witcher is that the games had a not-undeserved reputation for including only white people (some darker complexions, sure, but all of the folks on the continent were basically white people), and a lot of folks defend this decision as “historically accurate”… as though the Witcher is about an actual historical period, or that a fantasy author isn’t 100% on tap for what they choose to include or ignore about the world, or that black people weren’t around in Europe during the Middle Ages (they were), etc., etc. (And of course it connects to modern Poland’s increasing move toward right-wing racial purists and nazis-in-all-but-name, so…) Heck, there are fake geek boys all over the internet RIGHT NOW screaming about how Yennefer isn’t white enough or whatever bullshit they want to spew in their racist idiom.

Also, isn’t it frankly INSULTING to think so little of Poland as to limit it to an all-white ethnostate for its entire history (even the grimdark fairy tales period)? The ignorance that is white supremacy must be laughed out of the building when it can, or stamped out when its marching in the streets with swastikas, JESUS CHRIST…

Oof, I’m gonna have a heart attack.

Hold up, is that sorcerer BLACK? I think he is. 🙂

The point is, the show isn’t doing that all-white-everywhere BS. This is an AMERICAN show (or possibly a BRITISH show), and we frequently at least make an effort to cast diverse actors. Often, all our lead actors are lily-pale, but that isn’t the case here: Yennefer has a very dark complexion, and Triss has an even darker one. Frangilla is DEFINITELY a woman of color. We see a range of skin tones, and that is fantastic, and I’m glad it happened.

So… suck it, racists.

The Verdict?

Still quite fun, and I will definitely keep watching.

I’m sorry these weren’t your episodes, Geralt, but I’m sure you’ll be the focus later!

Hail and well met, readers!

As a fan of both the books and the games (well, specifically The Witcher 3, I didn’t actually play the first two), I greeted the announcement of The Witcher TV series, based on the best-selling Polish sword-and-sorcery fantasy series of the same name by Andrzej Sapkowski (yes I looked up the spelling of his name, I was mostly right the first time) with a mixture of interest and trepidation.

I’ve spoken about adaptations before, and the long and short of it is, adaptations are never going to give you the same experience as you had with the initial story.

Games turned into movies aren’t the same thing as those games. Books turned into TV aren’t the same as those books. And vice versa, of course. Novelizations, games based on movies, movie tie-ins to TV shows, video game movies… all of these things have a not-entirely-unearned reputation for often being mediocre at best, pretty terrible most of the time, or offensive to fans at worst.

And why is that?

Well, they’re a fundamentally different thing, now aren’t they? They’re a fundamentally different genre, with different rules, different storytelling strengths and limitations, and very rarely does something survive the adapting process. (For confirmation, I offer you the Resident Evil movies, The Golden Compass, E.T. the video game, and let’s not forget… you know what? Nevermind, you’re welcome.)

The Witcher (the show, I mean) has a unique heritage, because it has seen three adaptations (yes, three), not counting the books or this new show.

Ah yeah, let’s do this! Witcher! Wooooooooooo!

A Brief History

The books, which are a point of national pride in their native Poland[2], consist of two anthologies of short stories about Geralt and his adventures, as well as five novels which tell a cohesive story, then a standalone novel (I admit I haven’t read that one). They acquired what we in America would call a cult following, because they are essentially telling the folk history of Poland in a cool, exciting, and compelling way. (Apparently, the language Sapkowski uses and his authorial voice are particularly lovely in the original Polish, and very clever.)

The books were popular enough to see a movie called Wiedźmin (or ‘The Hexer” in English) created and, eh, it wasn’t a rousing success. Then a Polish TV show of basically the same name which is mostly an expanded version of the movie (I think you can find episodes on YouTube if you really want to).

It might have stayed that way, with the Witcher being a hit in Poland but largely unknown outside the country, except that the game development company CD Projekt Red (I know, I know, that sounds like three random words, one of them describing a style of listening to music that was very popular in the 90s and early 2000s, for all you Gen Zers out there) purchased the license to make a video game based on the book. Their games would be set AFTER the 5 books had ended, rather than being based on the books themselves, allowing CDPR to tell an all-new story with the bones Sapkowski laid down in his books.

Allegedly, Sapkowski was not keen on video games (still doesn’t like them, it would seem), and he chose to take a lump sum, rather than royalties on the games, which is a pretty good deal if you expect the game to flop.

Which is the opposite of what happened.

The Witcher, the Witcher 2, and especially the Witcher 3 were MASSIVE successes, that third one a console generation-defining open world RPG that really pushed the limit of what games could accomplish. I know, I know, some people don’t like them (you know who you are, my English-Canadian friend), but the games were extremely popular, and their popularity translated to book sales in translation in English-speaking countries. It’s not like the books were *non-existent* in America before the games, but the games led to a massive upturn in sales, and The Witcher is now an international bestseller with some 33 million copies sold.

To what do we credit this rousing success? Sapkowski’s clever work and sharp authorial eye? CD Projekt Red’s coding skills (well, as of The Witcher 2, anyway) and plotting ability? That, through Geralt, you can hack apart armies of smelly pseudo-polish dudes and monsters and also sleep with practically ever female character in those games with a few button prompts?

It’s a mystery.

And if the first episode is anything to go by–which adapts material pretty faithfully from The Last Wish and the Blood of Elves–the show is definitely weighted toward the books, but it has been created under the long shadow of the games, and that’s where the bulk of the audience (English-speaking audience for an English-speaking show with an English main actor) knows the story from. So clearly, there’s going to be some influence, right?

So I went a little hard on the monster killing juice, ok?

So How About That Show?

Well, I watched the first episode, and generally speaking, I really liked it. It’s like Game of Thrones, but more fantasy, less rapey, and you get the sense good things might eventually happen to someone at some point (unlike GoT).

The first episode is pretty well plotted, I think, or at least it worked well for me. You get a very comprehensive look at what you can expect from the Witcher: grimdark, visceral fighting, some sexytimes, and tough, agonizing choices.

I’m going to talk about Geralt specifically, since the first episode is about introducing him, his character, his story, his style, and his aesthetic. (And to a lesser extent Cirilla, Princess of Cintra, but more on her later.)

First it’s the eyes. Witchers have cat eyes, which is more noticeable the closer you get to them. The eyes here are pretty nice, subtle when they need to be, but they flash at certain angles. The way Henry Cavill carries himself works with the eyes and his natural size (mustachioed Superman is a beefcake) makes him stand out from the people around him. He looks and moves in a slightly alien way, but not enough to trip the Uncanny Valley. He seems like a real person, albeit mutated.

The voice is pretty great—reminiscent of the games but also its own. Cavill is, apparently, a big fan of the games, and he’s playing up the gravelly, slightly Batman voice to good effect here. He sounds like Geralt but also like himself. It’s effective. The dialogue seems right, too—Geralt is taciturn, droll, but clearly has some heart. You could see the Geralt from the books saying these things, as well as the Geralt from the games.

The most striking dissimilarity is that the show doesn’t use the two swords conceit that the games do, which is more true to the books. Geralt doesn’t need two swords in the books, but in the games, it makes for good game mechanics. (And more opportunities for item customization, you know how video games work.) Also his amulet is different from the iconic ones he has in the books, but meh, no big deal.

The music I found kind of distracting at the beginning–loud and brash and not the recognizable, iconic stuff I like, but it cools off and becomes much more subtle and atmospheric.

Here Episode 1 Spoilers Begin

I found the opening very unexpected, and I didn’t much like how the first monster looked, and the struggle lasted longer than it needed to. But the resolution was dead right, and Geralt’s interaction with the deer was absolutely dead on. I came out of that scene going, yeah, this is definitely The Witcher.

I’d have thought they’d go for the iconic striga opening, which is a story from the books and also the opening of the first game, but maybe they’re working up to that. It’s a good story, about a cursed princess who… oh, wait. No spoilers.

Speaking of female characters, I was worried there wouldn’t be female characters involved other than the main ones (you know, Ciri, Yen, Triss occasionally coming to moon over Geralt, etc), but fortunately they not only included female characters right off the bat, but really good ones.

The Renfri subplot is both straight out of the book and very true to one of the main themes—the greatest monsters look like humans. Geralt has a hard choice, with two compelling stories. It hits you right off the bat with the “dark, brutal fairytales” aspect of the Witcher story, as Renfri is, of course, a dark mirror version of Snow White. She’s even got the red color associated with her, which is very striking. She’s damaged, not quite right, but really compelling. Man, I thought she was great.

(But then, I *am* the guy who wrote Arya Venkyr, Ilira Nathalan, and Ovelia Dracaris, so yeah, obviously I thought Renfri was great.)

Renfri, you will always be MY Snow White

But I digress.

Oh, it’s Blaviken. I’m sure some such butchery will happen here.

I love the evil speech. Evil is evil. Lesser, greater, middling. All the same. He follows up with that if he has to choose the lesser between evils, he prefers not to choose at all, but as we will see, that won’t always be his choice.

The sword fighting, oh man, it’s stylized as all hell, but it’s fantastic. And I’m pleased to see a lot of techniques, including the half-sword, ie gripping the blade to maximize thrusting power. You rarely see that in fantasy. My friend Joe Brassey could probably say more on this subject, being a swordsman by trade—maybe I’ll chat with him about it.

You made a BIG mistake drawing steel against Geralt.

About Cirilla

No complaints, she’s great. She’s a kid but also dealing with some *very* grown-up stuff.

Her magic was interesting in how it manifested. I don’t recall the book well enough to say if it fits, but it seems in keeping with her character. Barely controlled magical potential.

I remember a big to-do among certain fans (ahem) who were concerned Ciri might be portrayed by an actress of color, and they obviously didn’t do that. They could have, but they didn’t—missed opportunity? We’ll see. This actress seems capable and engaging, and I look forward to seeing how it goes. Her eyes are really intense.

The casting of Calanthe was interesting. She seemed worn and tired, more of a real person than the legend people tell. Very compelling.

One thing about the Cintra subplot was the extremely rough suicide-by-poison/etc scenes. Jeez, don’t spare us any details.

This is a DAAAAAAAAAARK show, just in case you were curious.

Sorry Ciri, it’s not gonna get much easier for you, uh, ever.

Verdict for Episode 1?

Solid effort. 8 out of 10. I will keep watching.